Yoho, yoho, a Pirate's Life For Me
by mak4
Summary: Kat's brother didn't take her to the Order, so I wrote this story for her. It's pretty much selfexplanatory.


Once upon a time there was a girl. Named Laramie. Laramie had a brother named Janes. We don't like Janes. He promised to take Laramie to see The Order but he didn't. And he wouldn't take her to see Pirates instead. But we're not going to get into that. You don't need to think about Janes because he doesn't come into the story anymore. He ended up living in a box.  
  
Poor Laramie sat around her house. She was bored. She sat down in a chair and closed her eyes. Now normally when somebody like Laramie does something like that in a story like this, she would end up wherever she wanted to be- like in The Order, with Heath Ledger. But I only have the vaguest knowledge of what occurs in The Order so she didn't.  
  
Instead, when Laramie opened her eyes, she discovered she was on a ship. A large ship. A very pretty ship. With a sword at her throat. Moving very carefully, she turned so that she could just see the owner of the sword out of the corner of her eye. Her efforts were, in fact, wasted, because he moved in front of her.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow stood in front of her, looking very threatening and very dangerous. But despite that, he was still Captain Jack Sparrow. Laramie couldn't help it; she grinned. And gasped, as the sword pushed into her throat.  
  
"Who are you?" he demanded, eyes narrowing. "How did you get here? And stop grinning at me like that, savvy?" Laramie gave the barest of nods, trying to wipe the smirk of her face. She was rather unsuccessful, and was beginning to unnerve the captain. "What is it? Why do you keep smirking at me like that?"  
  
"You're Captain Jack Sparrow," she managed to squeak.  
  
Obviously flattered that she recognized him, Jack lowered his sword, still keeping a careful eye on her. "What's your name, love?"  
  
Laramie nearly fell over. Jack had called her love!  
  
"Laramie," she choked out.  
  
"Are you alright, darling?"  
  
Laramie did fall over then.  
  
"Fine," she answered, looking up at him. Jack looked amused.  
  
"Have you forgotten how to use your feet then?"  
  
"No," Laramie answered rather indignantly.  
  
Jack chuckled. "Well then, what's the problem?"  
  
"Uhh.. Nothing!" Laramie decided, not really wanting to tell him that she found him SO gorgeous and SO sexy, she couldn't stand up. "I'm just not used to being on a ship."  
  
That brought Jack to the current fact that she had appeared out of nowhere, and he still didn't know how.  
  
"Where did you come from?" he demanded. "How did you come to be here? You were not here before, I saw you appear out of nowhere with my own eyes. Of course, that was after several pints of rum, but I'm certain you were not here before."  
  
"Yes I was," Laramie answered casually.  
  
"You weren't."  
  
"I was."  
  
"You were not, or my name is not Captain Jack Sparrow."  
  
"Alright," Laramie admitted. "I wasn't. But it's not my fault." She pouted.  
  
"How did you come to be here?"  
  
Laramie took a deep breath. "Iwassupposedtogoseeamoviethathasmyfiancéeinit,butIdidn'tgettogo.Andthenmyfr iendkeepswritingthesestoriesandIendupinplacesandit'snotmyfaultandyou'regoing tokillmeandIdon'twanttodiebecauseIhaven'tgottentomarryHeathLedgeryetandthisi stheworstdayEVER." Laramie started to cry.  
  
Jack Sparrow, pirate though he may be, was not in any way heartless. And so when she began to cry, he felt bad. He hugged her soothingly, and Laramie grinned to herself. Apparently he had decided that she wasn't any sort of threat, because he informed her of his plans. "I'm headed for Port Royal in honor of my dear friend William's wedding. How would you like to help me attend?"  
  
"Alright," Laramie sniffled, secretly thrilled.  
  
"We have an accord then," Jack announced, holding out his hand for her to shake. She did so. "We should be arriving in Port Royal very soon. When we do, I shall need you to distract all the officers, while I sneak away to safety. I can meet you at Will's home. Or, it will be Will's home, once he's married to Elizabeth- that's his fiancée, the future Mrs. William. At any rate, it's the great big house on the top of the hill. You won't be able to miss it."  
  
"Okay," Laramie said. "Wait, how am I supposed to distract them?"  
  
Jack shrugged, flouncing across the deck. "I don't know. Be creative," he called back, reaching for something. "In the meantime, would you like some rum?"  
  
Laramie debated it for a moment, and then shrugged. "Sure, why not?"  
  
*  
  
One hour later, Laramie was just slightly tipsy. The alcohol didn't seem to have an effect on Jack, but she was beginning to believe that he was permanently drunk anyway, and actually enjoyed the rum for the taste. Laramie had found the taste rather disgusting, but, as there hadn't appeared to be any other choice of beverage, had decided to drown out the taste with more rum. After quite a bit of the stuff, her plan had begun to work. Either that or her tongue had gone numb. The latter was quite possible as well, because she was finding it increasingly more difficult to speak properly.  
  
"And then, I said she's a cow. Moooo."  
  
Jack eyed her curiously. "I think that's quite enough rum for you, savvy?"  
  
Laramie squealed, barely noticing as he took the rum bottle from her hands. "You said savvy!"  
  
"Yes. Yes I did." Jack took a large swig from the bottle, and then jumped up, apparently noticing something on the horizon. "Ah, we're coming up on Port Royal now."  
  
Laramie tried to leap to her feet as well, but had to settling for stumbling to her feet and grasping the railing. "It's just as a susp... sesper... pect... Thought." Jack burst out laughing. "Whasso funny?" Laramie slurred.  
  
"You, my dear, are drunk."  
  
"'M not drunk," she insisted. "Jus' slightly... somethin'."  
  
"Of course not, lass, of course not," Jack assured her. "Now, d'you remember what you must do?"  
  
"Distract you while the officers sneak past."  
  
"No, love. You're not to distract me, although I'm sure you could offer quite a distraction." He eyed her rather lewdly. "However. You are to distract the OFFICERS while I sneak past."  
  
"Righ'. Thas what I said."  
  
"Close enough. I'm going to need your help, lass. I'll need you to drop anchor for me."  
  
"I can do tha'!"  
  
"Very good."  
  
They somehow managed, between the two of them, to dock the ship, and Jack, after making sure once more that Laramie was not too drunk to forget her instructions, disappeared. Which left Laramie to her distractions. She marched off the ship. Or rather, attempted to march. It was rather hard, because the dock still seemed to be moving, despite the fact that it was on solid land.  
  
At any rate, Laramie stumbled onto land, heading for the officers she was to distract. "Hi!" she said loudly.  
  
"Good morning," one of them said. "And who are you?"  
  
"My name's Lar...a...mie... yes. That's it."  
  
"I see. Welcome to Port Royal." The man spoke haltingly, slightly concerned at her odd actions. "Can we be of any assistance to you?"  
  
"No. Wait- YES!" Laramie screamed, and all the men winced. "Wait... now that I think of it, no. I'm fine. Thanks very much."  
  
Several of the officers were staring back at the ship they had been sailing.  
  
"Did you sail this ship all by yourself?" one asked.  
  
"No," Laramie answered easily.  
  
"Then where is your crew?"  
  
She immediately realized her mistake. "Uh... well..." She leaned forward conspiratorially. "They're invisible," she stage-whispered.  
  
"Invisible?" the officer repeated.  
  
"Yes. But you can't tell, or the flying purple platypi will come for them."  
  
"Platypi??"  
  
"Yes. Promise me you won't tell! Please!!!" Laramie began to sob, grasping at the man's arm.  
  
"Alright, alright, I promise," he assured her, as more men joined them to see what the commotion was about.  
  
"Oh, good," she answered off-handedly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have several things that need attending to." She walked off crookedly, struggling to retain her balance and leaving the men staring after her oddly.  
  
*  
  
"Ah, there you are, love. I was wondering how long it'd take you to arrive."  
  
Jack was standing in front of the house, speaking with people who were decidedly Will and Elizabeth. Laramie smiled.  
  
"Sorry 'bout the delay. I think I kind of scared the officer dude people." With a start she fell to the ground. "Oopsie-daisy. Guess we're still on the ocean."  
  
"Um, Jack?" Elizabeth said. "Would you be so kind as to introduce us?"  
  
"Ah yes, of course. Silly me. Will, Elizabeth, I'd like you to meet my darling new strumpet. This is Laramie."  
  
She grinned up at them. "Hi!"  
  
"And where did you pick her up?" Will asked, eyeing her. She was wearing jeans, and other odd-seeming articles of clothing.  
  
"I'm not sure, exactly. She tried to explain it to me, but it was all rather confusing... a blur, really. So I just gave her some rum."  
  
"Rum, rum, rum rum rum." Laramie sung tunelessly.  
  
"Apparently drunk and tone-deaf does not mix," Will muttered.  
  
"I'm not drunk," Laramie insisted, pointing her finger at him. "And I'm not... what was the other thing you said?"  
  
"Oh, Jack," Elizabeth sighed. "Can you do anything that does NOT involve rum?"  
  
The captain appeared to think about it for a moment. "No."  
  
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, helping Laramie to her feet. "Come along. We should get you cleaned up." She led her into the house, leaving Jack and Will behind.  
  
"Bye!" Laramie called over her shoulder.  
  
"Not another one," Will sighed. "How on earth did she coerce you into letting her sail with you."  
  
"That's the thing," Jack told him. "She didn't. She wasn't there when I left the port, I'd swear it. She didn't appear until I was well underway, and she came out of nowhere."  
  
"But that doesn't make sense."  
  
"William, dear, naïve boy, you were captured by undead pirates who attempted to kill you- and very likely would have succeeded, if not for me- in order to break a curse. I don't think sense comes into it anymore, savvy?"  
  
Will nodded.  
  
*  
  
The wedding, occurring that evening at sunset, was absolutely beautiful. Rather than being held in the church, it was held outside, on the top of the hill, the wind blowing in an abstract manner. Elizabeth was beautiful, and Will handsome... and each were desperately in love with the other.  
  
Captain Jack Sparrow, on the other hand, was only watching them for half the ceremony. The other have he spent staring at Laramie, or rather, the rather low-cut dress Elizabeth had leant to her. The ceremony ended and they all left for the reception held at the large house. Jack continued to watch Laramie. She had evidently sobered up, at least enough to not completely destroy the ceremony and reception.  
  
"Sparrowing Captain Jacko!" Laramie yelled. Or not.  
  
"Shh," Jack said. "Are you TRYING to call attention to me?"  
  
"Uh... no? Wait, am I S'POSED to be calling attention to you?"  
  
Jack sighed. "No, love."  
  
"Oh, okay then. No."  
  
"Well you're doing a very good job of doing exactly that which you're trying not to do."  
  
Laramie blinked at him. "What?"  
  
He laughed. "Nothing darling, nothing at all."  
  
"Oh." He stared at her for a moment. "What? Why are you staring at me? Is my nose falling off?" Abruptly Jack leaned over and kissed her. For several seconds. When they broke apart Laramie could only stare at him.  
  
"You know darling, I think it's time you and I got out of here." Laramie nodded, and Jack dragged her off in search of Will and Elizabeth. They were talking to Norrington, and Jack pulled her down, out of sight. She began to giggle, and he held her close, keeping his hand over her mouth.  
  
As soon as he was sure it was safe, Jack pulled her over to Will and Elizabeth. "Will, Lizzie, it was a lovely wedding. You're both simply lovely together. I hope you enjoy your married life together, but right now this strumpet and I have to leave."  
  
"What is it?" Will asked. "Has Norrington found you?"  
  
"No, but we've been here for quite some time, and I'm afraid he will."  
  
"What about you?" Elizabeth asked Laramie. "Would you like to change back into your old clothes?"  
  
"Oh, we'll just take them and run," Jack said. "Not like she'll be needing them any time soon, anyway," he added under his breath, making Laramie begin to giggle again.  
  
When Laramie's clothes had been secured and all the necessary good byes said, she and Jack raced off for the ship.  
  
To make a long story short, they got away safely, conveniently lost their clothes, and had mad pirate sex until the end of their days. 


End file.
